Right Then. Right Now.

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I'm very thankful for this piece of blog, I can write what's in my heart, that nobody will say that I'm being dramatic and emo again and again (tho everybody is welcome to write their opinion on my work ;) ) Sorry because I can't help it. I'm not the great pretender or I'm not that good in hiding my feelings. When I'm hurt, tears flow when I can't take it anymore, when I'm happy I smile and laugh at loud. This blog doesn't get tired to accept what ever I write, my new loyal sounding board ;) . 

Way back then...

I met a guy from a part. We met unexpectedly. Meeting him was great, was one of the happiest moment in my life. We over come some situation before things comes in real. I knew right there and then, I will fall... There was magic... Yep, I wan't to call it magical. 

He is...

Handsome :) (tho he never thought he was, but he is at least for me ;) ). Sometimes moody but cute. Shy (most of the time he thought he is) but naughty. Very vocal for his love and concern with his family. Grandma's boy. A very hardworking person and knows how to value his money ( a stingy one? ;) ). A very private person. Prim and proper guy but loves to go out for a drink/dinner when off to work. Hate drama! and couple shirts (haha). Not that jealous (?!? :p) . Like dancing and singing, like Bon Jovi songs and  love singing Sister Golden Hair (justifiable). Like watching movies and gaming. Loves to cook :D .  Love to read good books. Hate malling. Has few friends but they are true. 

He is practical.

He is a teacher and he is too good for me...

I am...

Pretty enough for him ;). Jealous (just to spice up the relationship ;) ). Super moody when magic day. Love attention without measures. Don't mind talking and be with different people. Can be a cowgirl or an elegant woman ;) . Act immature but matured enough which have been the fruits of experience in life. Dramatic when sunk in melancholy. I don't mind wearing couple shirt (I find it sweet :) ). I'm not fond in dancing and singing coz I don't have the talent for that, I don't sing with a mic but I love to whisper a song ;) . Its okay to watch movie but I'm not fond reading sci-fi books, it will cause me headache. Have the passion in cooking ;) . I have lots of friends but few is true. 

I am emotional.

I was a banker and I'm not good enough for him.

I became his liability.

And so...

I fell in love. Did he loved me? I don't know, he didn't tell and I didn't ask but for sure he liked me. I was contented, why? because he never fail to let me feel that somehow I am important regardless of the hindrances. I don't need to hear that he loves me because his actions was enough. He never fail to assure me that I'm the only one. 

No matter how expensive it was to make a long distance call, he always call just to inform me that he will be late going home or if he will stay a little longer with his friends to drink. He used to ask permission when he is going out. He tried his best and invest just to work it out. He tried to adjust on my craziness and do my demands. He spoiled me in his own little way. He never fail to vanished my worries. 

The test of the Relationship...

1. Distance. Distance was my greatest enemy that time. One of the reasons that made my world turn upside down. He is one thousand six hundred twenty-seven and seventy-six miles away from me. However, we tried to cross the distance. Unfortunately, the bridge fell a part.
2. Bad Luck. Things didn't come on our way, that made things worst. He supported me financially for the school fees and visa requirements, unfortunately, in spite of having complete requirements the Korean Embassy denied my visa. From then on, sadness and worries filled my whole being. I was lost and didn't know on what would be the best thing to do to ease the pain brought by being away with him, missing him, and disappointed with the result. 
3. Financial. Second reasons that turn my world upside down. He is not rich (like what he said and wouldn't be rich) and I grew up in a hand-to-mouth existence. Surely, that would leave us in debt when we keep trying. He already spent too much, it was a burden for me because no matter how I wanted to make a share and be with him, I don't have enough money to spend for all the expenses. Without him, without his help I can't make it alone.  I can't because I have nothing, I'm not rich, my family was not rich, what I have is just my love for him.
4. His attitude. He was practical, he chose someone who can easily be with him. Someone whom he don't need to spend too much just to be on his side. He gave up easily for the things that we should fight together. I was expecting that he would fight for me, but I was wrong, he abruptly accepted the break up. I thought, for all what we've been through, it could be hard for him to give me up. Moreover, he would hold on with his promises that he was stuck on me. 

Being in love and marriage was seems out of his mind during that time.  

5. My attitude. I became very emotional. Emotions that brought him down. Emotions that brought a very bad decision, that brought my mind out of sanity. I never thought I became dependent on him and worried too much for lack of assurance with his feelings towards me. I pushed him too hard, I pushed him away, too far to come back with me. I forgot that he might be hurt for my decision, I'm too selfish, I was focus for my own loneliness and forgot that what happened would also be hard for him. I was sunk in my own emotions  that lend not to see his feelings, I was blinded by my own worries and depression. 

Love filled over me and marriage was the only way I thought would be the easiest way for us to be together with no barriers. 

Right now...

I was sorry for myself... for losing one of the important person in my life, for losing the man of my dreams. For the bad decision, for thinking that it would be easier to break up than to wait (but then I'm waiting the hardest way now). For pushing him away. For thinking that I'm brave enough to let him go that made me worst than expected, that made my loneliness turned to depression because of my stubbornness. 

I am sorry for you... for saying I love you but failed to show it's true. Sorry for all the days that I drove you nuts, for those days that you feel like a shit because of me. Sorry for all the pain that I've caused you. Sorry because I don't have strength to let you go. 

And thank you for trying, for letting me feel I'm important, for all the efforts, for spoiling me, for giving me hope and leaping me up when I am down, for teaching me how to love again, for bringing out the best in me..

Thank you for being you...

I love you... goodbye?!?                                                           


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